Just do you

I would often ask for people’s opinions

I would base my opinion on other people’s feedback

If someone didn’t like something I wouldn’t like it.

But I realized as I get older I shouldn’t care what people think about me.

I would usually do something because someone else wanted to do it and I became to be easily influence.

I would depend on what other people do and I didn’t really have a voice.

I use to not be able to leave my house without putting on makeup and having my hair straightened.

I became super self conscious

Wherever I went I had to make sure I look good even if I was going on a run or going to the gym.

Focusing on what people think of you constantly is really exhausting and not worth it.

I am learning to just do me and be comfortable with myself.

People are going to always judge you know matter what you do.

So just do you.

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Just do you

Self Worth

I usually put people before I put myself.

 

I usually focus on people and make sure they are happy and often forget about myself and my self worth.

 

I often care about people way more than people care about me or people who don’t even care about me in the first place.

 

This usually makes me feel shitty and like I have no one.

 

“I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!”. A quote from one of my favorite movies (Silver Linings Playbook).

 

When I heard this quote I knew exactly how the Supporter character (played by Jennifer Lawrence) felt.

 

There is only one person who can be there for you 24/7; and that’s yourself.

 

In middle school when I barely had any friends I always had candy and gum. I would give it to people. I thought this would get me friends. In reality, it was just people taking advantage of me and some would tell me to buy them candy from the store and I did. Even though, I really didn’t want to.

I was really vulnerable. I was seen as a target.

Freshmen year one of my friends who I was really close to at the time told me I was not afraid to be nice.

But, often people saw that as me flirting with them or being fake.

Now that i’m older I am learning that I need to do things for myself.

It’s hard but it has to be done. Self worth is one of the most important things to me.

You have to take care of yourself before you care for others.

I use to not give a shit about myself, but, I realized that was stupid.

Like the rapper drake says   “know your worth.”    

To this day I am starting to do things that make me happy; like doing more art, going on runs/walks, listening to music, dancing and etc.

I’m starting to love myself and see the true beauty I have.
Self worth is one of the important things not only to me but also, in life.

 

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Self Worth

Misunderstood

I never got what I wanted.

I was born language delayed; for those who don’t know what it means, it means I couldn’t pronounce my words properly so it just came out as gibberish. Having a twin and older sister made it even worse. They got what the wanted while I didn’t.

Teachers looked at me as if I was insane.

I didn’t know what was going on.  I would often end up in the principle office. Why? I wish I could tell you.

Everyone was against me it got to a point I was against myself.

I was five when my mom told me to take a pill. Of course at that time I was confused and before I could say anything my mom demanded me to take it.

Yelling came a common tone, a sad and angry face was often worn upon my face. Anxiety overcame me as if it was in my blood.

It wasn’t until second grade when I was told by a kid that these two 3rd grade boys were going to beat me up at lunch. I was standing in the line taken by anxiety. I lightly patted the boy in front of me. The teachers acted as if I was John Cena and full on attacked him.

Once again I ended up in the Principle office. They called my mom. My mom came and took me home. she radiated with fury.

A month later my mom and advocator finally found a new school for me. I was thrown into another sped class. For the next couple years I was thrown from sped class to another.

It wasn’t until 5th grade I discovered I had ADHD through a youtube video. I went to my mom and asked if I had it she told me and we got into an augment “why did you never tell me.” I said.

As I unraveled one uncertainty I knew that there was so much more unknown my mom was hiding from me.

It wasn’t until high school when I found a school that met my needs and I could be understood and be myself. I started making friends and they kept increasing through out the years. To this day I have a lot of friends who are like family to me. I have lost some throughout the years but, I gained more than I lost.

I figured out I had depression, severe anxiety, a language based disability, and non-verbal.

Even though things came together in High School, I adapted some bad habits.

I got introduced to self harm freshmen year by some “friends” and started acting on it. It progressed through the years.

Sophomore year I was addicted to self harm.

My parents found out about it and a lot of stuff I hold back when I was younger came out too.

Sophomore year was also the year I started smoking and junior year  was when I started drinking. I liked it a lot. It got me away from the bullshit. Over the years I started using it as a solution to my problems. Senior year especially. Which ended me up into hospitalization.

I thought I was cool if I did that stuff and I fit in for once. I have grown up around it and a lot of my friends did it.

But mixing it with my depression and anxiety as well with my meds was the worse I could do. 

Even though me being hospitalized is a tragic thing, I made some wonderful friends who today are some of my best friends.

I am now hospital free for about a year now and have a much healthier mindset.

Never give up on yourself even if you feel like it’s the only option it isn’t.

I know from experience.

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This is one of my favorite quotes that has helped me through my bad times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Misunderstood

A poem I wrote: Unmask

wander

my mind is euphoric

people venting to me

saying stuff to me

using me as their guide

but i’m fragile

my mind

my body

is prone to break, eventually

stable

i’m just speaking my mind,

letting the words flow

it’s like two people were dragging my hands in two different directions

someone yelling in fury

making a fit

teachers pointing fingers like he’s the one to blame

when he’s just being misunderstood

express

I know from first hand

that kid use to be me

but just because he expresses anger in a outbursts way

doesn’t mean he is anger

nostalgic

Emotions don’t define people,

people telling me things I don’t want to hear

that just leads to drama

karma

real eyes realize real lies

i’m just speaking my mind

letting the words flow

people try to throw me around saying you should be like that

or like this

you should do this not that

I am me

control

saying no is my weakness

but it’s my poison

nature is my home

the world’s home

air is good for you

inhale it

this poem is just me speaking my mind

words

use your bad experiences to make good ones

dream

explore the world

do one thing that scares you everyday

it will change your perspective

imagine

anger is energy take advantage of it to do something productive

when you think there’s no way out

it’s all in your head

ground yourself

get underneath those thoughts that seem to be facts

and let them out

cope

everyone has flaws

don’t hide them

flaunt them

you wouldn’t be “you” without them

laugh

but i’m just speaking my mind

I usually mask my feelings

and my flaws

and i’m scared

and I worry

but today everything is different

unmask….

 

A poem I wrote: Unmask

Reflect

A lot has changed from last year to now. Exactly a year from now I was hospitalized for the second time.

Even though, I have had some bumps in the road since i left my last hospitalization at Mcleans in Belmont Ma; which was in the end of february. I can say I have changed a lot. I made some great accomplishments, seen some cool things, made some good friends and unraveled some things I didn’t know about myself. For example that i have a good eye for color.

Mental illness is still something i struggle with and is a daily battle, but, suicide and self harm is not a daily thought or activity (referring to self harm) anymore.

Being comfortable with my lonesome self is something i still need to work on as well as being able to say no and not being easily influenced.

The struggle of drugs and substance has been a challenge but i’m starting to put my foot down and tell myself “I’m stronger than any substance, i’m better than that”. I have progressed my love for art and been told I had a talent for it.

I’m still lost in what I want to do when i’m older which launches into the fear I have that I will never make my mind up what I want to do.

Even though I am enrolled in a gap year program (like I said in my first post) that helps figure what you want to do but I feel like this program more so helped me figured myself as a person and to learn from my mistakes than it did for what i want to major in.

I have caused a little chaos with my behaviors that got myself into talking with  the assistant director (who is also my advisor) and the director of Dynamy.

I am realising that drugs and alcohol is not a coping skill or something to mess with. Especially with having ADHD and other learning disabilities.

I’m continuing to learn and better myself and figure things out.

life is like a maze, it can fuck you up, you get lost, run into dead ends, go the wrong way at times but, there’s always a way out.

A year ago I never thought I would be where I am today. I use to think I wouldn’t be able to graduate but I did.

I use to think I couldn’t get into any colleges but I got into all six of the ones applied to with scholarships.

I use to think I had no talent yet I made an art piece that people were wowed by and said I could sell it if I wanted too. I also wrote a poem that a lot of people liked.

I’m still not where I want to be but I’m on my way. I’m continuing to explore the world and see the beauty the world has to offer.

I hope to impact my story with others and keep making the world a better place. I wanna make people happy and make myself happy too. That’s why i’m still alive and pushing myself to be the best I can be.

If you ever find yourself lost in the “maze” look up and know there is a way out of it you just gotta use your good judgement, maybe mess up a few times but eventually you will be on the way to the finish line (success).

 

This is the big Master piece I made that was displayed in my school’s art show.

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Reflect

The Start

Hey everyone I am starting a blog. Why? because it is a good way to express myself. Also,I hope to impact others through my writing and to improve my writing. I am currently  interning at Worcester magazine (which is more like a newspaper than a magazine). That captures all the current events in Worcester and central Ma. It is a pretty well known magazine in Worcester and the central Ma area. I enjoy it but it is a challenge because i’m not use to the type of writing the magazine is formatted which is news- writing. I am enrolled in a gap year program located in Worcester called Dynamy. I live in my own apartment and do internships. This program is to better yourself, learn how to live on your own and experience the experience of having a job (more advanced than being a cashier or a wait staff and etc.). My last internship was over at Girl’s Inc; an all girls after-school program. I worked with the peeps they are the youngest girls; ranges from kindergarten to 2nd grade. It was fun but a lot of work. In the fall I will be attending Colby swayer college. I had a lot going on my senior year and I knew I wasn’t ready to start the college life. So, thats why I am doing a gap year program. What I hope to get out of this blog is be able to have a voice and express myself and unravel the things I usually hold back. I hope you enjoy reading my blog!IMG_7834

The Start