When one door closes another door opens

Change always scared me; well it still does

I always and I still do wish things can stay permeant.

You may look at this and say what about friendships and relationships.

But those things change also it could be a good friend turning into a best friend or a best friend turning into an enemy or a family member moving out or moving in.

Some good things come to an end as well as bad things.

In a month I will be ending my last internship at Dynamy (my gap year program), then heading off to the cape for a few days, then graduating and then it’s over.

I still have time but in the blink of an eye it will all be over.

The people I lived with for a year will be moving on as will I.

I have gained so much from this program, felt comfort,done so many cool things and the list goes on

These past couple days has been hard I fell down in the dumps.

I realized with the help of my advisor that the best way to deal with these endings, is to live in the moment and make the best of the time I still have here at Dynamy; and when the time comes and they call my name to get my diploma it is okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad.

But, you shouldn’t let it overtake you from be happy.

Life will go on and launch you into more adventures and challenges but every time it because a little easier.

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When one door closes another door opens

Focus on the good in life!

When you think there’s no way out know that’s all in your head.

Shit happens.

Some things will go really good others will go really bad.

Your mind tends to focus on the bad then the good.

Why’s that? I don’t know the “real” answer but I think it’s because it’s easier to accept the bad than the good.

Some people look past the good and take it for granted. 

When I look back on my past, the bad sticks out more to me than the good.

I’m trying to seek out the good memories and not dwell on the bad memories.

I’m starting to realise I should hold on the good memories and let go of the bad.

Forgiving is key. 

Eventually you’re going to have to accept the bad to be truly happy.

Take advantage of the bad that happens to you and turn it into strength. 

The bad will make you stronger.

Having a positive attitude on life will go a long way.

If life was perfect you wouldn’t learn anything. 

People grow up differently and come from different cultures and lifestyles.

Don’t compare yourself to others learn from them instead.

Society tends to focus on the bad (especially with the news) but don’t give in to it. 

Try to laugh at your mistakes and some of the bad things that happened to you.

For example, during the first week at my internship at Girls Inc (an all girls after school program) when I walked there for the first time my GPS screwed me up and I ended up on the highway; not knowing it’s against the law to walk on a highway. I literally broke down in the breakdown lane. Now I look back and laugh at it. I would joke around it with my friends. 

Turn the bad into something good.

You can always find a silver lining.

So focus on the good and learn from the bad. 

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Focus on the good in life!

Focus on the good in life

When you think there’s no way out know that’s all in your head.

 

Shit happens.

 

Some things will go really good others will go really bad.

 

Your mind tends to focus on the bad then the good.

 

Why’s that? I don’t know the “real” answer but I think it’s because it’s easier to accept the bad than the good.

 

Some people look past the good and take it for granted.

 

When I look back on my past, the bad sticks out more to me than the good.

 

I’m trying to seek out the good memories and not dwell on the bad memories.

 

I’m starting to realise I should hold on the good memories and let go of the bad.

 

Forgiving is key.

 

Eventually you’re going to have to accept the bad to be truly happy.

 

Take advantage of the bad that happens to you and turn it into strength.

 

The bad will make you stronger.

 

Having a positive attitude on life will go a long way.

 

If life was perfect you wouldn’t learn anything.

 

People grow up differently and come from different cultures and lifestyles.

 

Don’t compare yourself to others learn from them instead.

 

Society tends to focus on the bad (especially with the news) but don’t give in to it.

 

Try to laugh at your mistakes and some of the bad things that happened to you.

 

For example, during the first week at my internship at Girls Inc (an all girls after school program) when I walked there for the first time my GPS screwed me up and I ended up on the highway; not knowing it’s against the law to walk on a highway. I literally broke down in the breakdown lane. Now I look back and laugh at it. I would joke around it with my friends.

 

Turn the bad into something good.

 

You can always find a silver lining.

 

So focus on the good and learn from the bad.

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Focus on the good in life

My Happy Place

To me it is really important to have a happy place (it can even be a movie or a song). Its a place where you can enjoy yourself, be yourself, and be content with yourself. A place that simply makes you happy. One of my happy places is Elm Park in Worcester Ma. This park is right near where my apartment is in Worcester. So it is really accessible. It is where I go on runs and when people come up and visit me I often show them the park or go on walks with friends  within my gap year program. The interesting part about it, is when I use to smoke I would go to Elm Park, and I didn’t really think much of it at first. In all honesty during that time I was more focused on getting high that it distracted me from seeing the beauty of the park. Now that I am going to Elm Park more frequently I appreciate it so much more. When I go on runs it’s the only time I’m okay with being alone and i’m content with myself. I just grasp the beauty that Elm Parks holds and it makes my runs more enjoyable. It attracts a lot of people like myself and it is perfect to go on runs/walks, play frisbee, soccer, football, baseball, ice skate, play pond hockey,and play on the play ground or even just to get some fresh air. One of the best aspects of it is that it’s free. I go to Elm Park sometimes feeling sad, anxious, stressed or etc but, I come out feeling happy and content with myself. I love how I can do one of my favorite things (running) at one of my favorite places. On the weekends elm park is popping. I love seeing people out enjoying themselves. This park is unique in its own way. There is a really old bridge that is really steep (it’s a huge struggle to go up when your high). A lot of people complain about it but I like it because it adds charter to the park. Geese love it there and I look forward to the spring time (which is in a couple weeks) to see the goslings. Whenever I’m feeling down, anxious  or I need to just get some energy out. Elm park is there for me. Elm park will always have a special place in my heart. After my time at Dynamy ends I will still come back to visit it.

 

My Happy Place

Just do you

I would often ask for people’s opinions

I would base my opinion on other people’s feedback

If someone didn’t like something I wouldn’t like it.

But I realized as I get older I shouldn’t care what people think about me.

I would usually do something because someone else wanted to do it and I became to be easily influence.

I would depend on what other people do and I didn’t really have a voice.

I use to not be able to leave my house without putting on makeup and having my hair straightened.

I became super self conscious

Wherever I went I had to make sure I look good even if I was going on a run or going to the gym.

Focusing on what people think of you constantly is really exhausting and not worth it.

I am learning to just do me and be comfortable with myself.

People are going to always judge you know matter what you do.

So just do you.

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Just do you

Self Worth

I usually put people before I put myself.

 

I usually focus on people and make sure they are happy and often forget about myself and my self worth.

 

I often care about people way more than people care about me or people who don’t even care about me in the first place.

 

This usually makes me feel shitty and like I have no one.

 

“I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I’m empty! I have nothing!”. A quote from one of my favorite movies (Silver Linings Playbook).

 

When I heard this quote I knew exactly how the Supporter character (played by Jennifer Lawrence) felt.

 

There is only one person who can be there for you 24/7; and that’s yourself.

 

In middle school when I barely had any friends I always had candy and gum. I would give it to people. I thought this would get me friends. In reality, it was just people taking advantage of me and some would tell me to buy them candy from the store and I did. Even though, I really didn’t want to.

I was really vulnerable. I was seen as a target.

Freshmen year one of my friends who I was really close to at the time told me I was not afraid to be nice.

But, often people saw that as me flirting with them or being fake.

Now that i’m older I am learning that I need to do things for myself.

It’s hard but it has to be done. Self worth is one of the most important things to me.

You have to take care of yourself before you care for others.

I use to not give a shit about myself, but, I realized that was stupid.

Like the rapper drake says   “know your worth.”    

To this day I am starting to do things that make me happy; like doing more art, going on runs/walks, listening to music, dancing and etc.

I’m starting to love myself and see the true beauty I have.
Self worth is one of the important things not only to me but also, in life.

 

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Self Worth

Misunderstood

I never got what I wanted.

I was born language delayed; for those who don’t know what it means, it means I couldn’t pronounce my words properly so it just came out as gibberish. Having a twin and older sister made it even worse. They got what the wanted while I didn’t.

Teachers looked at me as if I was insane.

I didn’t know what was going on.  I would often end up in the principle office. Why? I wish I could tell you.

Everyone was against me it got to a point I was against myself.

I was five when my mom told me to take a pill. Of course at that time I was confused and before I could say anything my mom demanded me to take it.

Yelling came a common tone, a sad and angry face was often worn upon my face. Anxiety overcame me as if it was in my blood.

It wasn’t until second grade when I was told by a kid that these two 3rd grade boys were going to beat me up at lunch. I was standing in the line taken by anxiety. I lightly patted the boy in front of me. The teachers acted as if I was John Cena and full on attacked him.

Once again I ended up in the Principle office. They called my mom. My mom came and took me home. she radiated with fury.

A month later my mom and advocator finally found a new school for me. I was thrown into another sped class. For the next couple years I was thrown from sped class to another.

It wasn’t until 5th grade I discovered I had ADHD through a youtube video. I went to my mom and asked if I had it she told me and we got into an augment “why did you never tell me.” I said.

As I unraveled one uncertainty I knew that there was so much more unknown my mom was hiding from me.

It wasn’t until high school when I found a school that met my needs and I could be understood and be myself. I started making friends and they kept increasing through out the years. To this day I have a lot of friends who are like family to me. I have lost some throughout the years but, I gained more than I lost.

I figured out I had depression, severe anxiety, a language based disability, and non-verbal.

Even though things came together in High School, I adapted some bad habits.

I got introduced to self harm freshmen year by some “friends” and started acting on it. It progressed through the years.

Sophomore year I was addicted to self harm.

My parents found out about it and a lot of stuff I hold back when I was younger came out too.

Sophomore year was also the year I started smoking and junior year  was when I started drinking. I liked it a lot. It got me away from the bullshit. Over the years I started using it as a solution to my problems. Senior year especially. Which ended me up into hospitalization.

I thought I was cool if I did that stuff and I fit in for once. I have grown up around it and a lot of my friends did it.

But mixing it with my depression and anxiety as well with my meds was the worse I could do. 

Even though me being hospitalized is a tragic thing, I made some wonderful friends who today are some of my best friends.

I am now hospital free for about a year now and have a much healthier mindset.

Never give up on yourself even if you feel like it’s the only option it isn’t.

I know from experience.

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This is one of my favorite quotes that has helped me through my bad times.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Misunderstood